so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
