my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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