SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
