Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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