Who did Billy Mays play for?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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