went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just pee around me
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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