Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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