just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
