The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
