Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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