If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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