Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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