Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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