how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
