I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't deserve a penis
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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