There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
