I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
well most of my day revolves around power hour
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
