My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
