worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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