Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
