I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
