so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
