exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
