brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
