listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
