I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
