He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
