when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
