So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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