I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
