So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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