If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
