he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
