: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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