i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
