i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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