fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
