I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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