i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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