apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
