i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
