i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you had me at cake vodka
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
