i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
