If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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