you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
