You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
