I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
