I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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