I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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