I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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