I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
