The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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