are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
